![]() ![]() Once you fully understand the nature of the grievance, let them know that you understand, and express appreciation for their willingness to talk to you about it. Instead, backtrack, clarify, and help them to express the grievance fully, with no resistance on your part, doing your best to see events as they see them. You don’t have to take ownership over it at all, so don’t defend, explain, justify, or make excuses. You don’t have to agree, and you really shouldn’t disagree. Once you bring the grudge to the surface, it is essential that you listen carefully to everything the person has to say, all of it, without any pressure or demand to wrap it up. Once you’ve popped the cork on a bottle of grievance, the rest tends to come bubbling out. Once you’ve guessed correctly, you should at least see a flinch, at which point you can ask about it, and start to fill in the details. Preface your guesses by telling them that “I don’t know what was going on for you” or “I realize that I am just guessing, but” and then fill in your guess. If you think of several possibilities, rattle them off. Once you’ve come up with an idea, suggest it to them and watch for a reaction. Mentally review the course of events as you understand them. Random guesses might get a response, and funny guesses might get a response, but the best response will be to your best guess. However, if the person denies having any hidden agenda, you can always try guessing. With no reactive or defensive behavior on your part, they are likely to volunteer the information you ask for before it occurs to them to put up their shields. Do this really well, and the person won’t realize what’s going on. Best to look innocent and curious, rather than hostile yourself. Remember, it’s not what you say but how you say it. I’m wondering, when you said that, what was going on? What were you really trying to say?” “Last Tuesday at the meeting with the rest of our team and the project manager, you said (fill in their potentially hostile comment). Then repeat back to them the negative statements they have made and ask them what they were really trying to say. To begin, you can say, “I’m concerned that you and I have something going on between us that could interfere with our working together.” This depersonalizes the problem, and places it between you rather than on them. This could be a difficult conversation, so steel yourself for it. Why? To avoid creating any embarrassing moments and memories in the minds of witnesses. If you find evidence that someone is harboring a grudge, do what you can to clear the air. If you suspect someone is holding a grudge, but you’re not certain, see what you can find out. When you first suspect that someone has something going on with you, that’s the time to bring that which is hidden to the surface, where you can acknowledge and deal with it. Don’t let wounds fester, and don’t let grievances grow. When is the best time to deal with a possible grudge or grievance? Right away. And if they start making strange comments about you to your face, putting you down, laughing at you, and then waving it off like it’s just a joke, there’s a good chance that they are harboring bad feelings about you, and trying to discharge them through ‘funny’ comments. A stronger signal is if they start talking about you behind your back. One possible sign of a grudge or grievance is if the person suddenly stops talking to you. But most of the time, grudges and grievances can be worked out, but first you have to air them out so you can work them out. People are prickly, they take offense and lock onto it, and once they’ve made up their mind about you and fit you into their pre-existing conditioning, you may need to just let it go and let them carry it. ![]() Some people are more married to their grudge (it gives them a reason to live) than they are to resolving it. Not every problem with people can be resolved. You know the old adage about letting sleeping dogs lie? It doesn’t apply to people with grudges, who may actually become more difficult from stewing in their angry juices about whatever sleight or injury they’ve pinned on you. But most of the time, grudges and grievances can be worked out, but first you have to air them out so you can work them out.ĭoes someone at work have a grudge against you? ![]()
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